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Song lyric I'm working on...looking for feedback

Ken Burch
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Joined: Feb 26 2005

             


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Ken Burch
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Joined: Feb 26 2005

This would go with a "Em blues" kind of melody in 4/4

Looking for feedback and constructive criticism...

 

 

 

1)Life doesn’t have to be this way

Life doesn’t have to be this way

Don’t believe what you’ve been told

Fight back before you’re bought and sold

It’s time we make the world we need

 

2)Don’t let yourself be cast aside

Don’t let yourself be cast aside

You’re more than just another cog

You don’t just live to feed the hogs

It’s time to make the world we need.

 

3)Don’t have to live so helplessly

Don’t have to live so helplessly

See all these strangers next to you

They need your help, you need theirs too.

It’s time we make the world we need

 

 

4)Look all around, then step outside

Look all around, then step outside

You’re not the only one with scars

Here in the gutter but looking at stars

It’s time we make the world we need

 

4)Don’t have to lay their helplessly

Don’t have to lay their helplessly

See all these strangers next to you

They need your help, you need theirs too.

It’s time we make the world we need

 

5)Get up before the early light

Get up before the early light

Join hands with everyone in pain

With everybody left out in the rain

It’s time we make the world we need

 

6)Are you afraid? well, I was too

Are you afraid? well, I was too

Don’t know for sure how this will end

But we will fight this fight as friends

It’s time we make the world we need.

 

7)You’ve got to learn you’ve got to teach

You’ve got to learn you’ve got to teach

Help write the textbook, be the source

Then study so you’ll pass the course.

It’s time we make the world we need

 

 

8)Don’t have a party or a line

Don’t have a party or a line

We’ll free ourselves from down below

We’ll shine life up and make it glow

It’s time we make the world we need.

 

9)And when we’re finally truly free

And when we’re finally truly free

We’ll dance where we once had to bow

We’ll sing the words that we write now

It’s time to make the world we need.

 

(I'm also considering changing the order of some of the verses).


Glenl
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Joined: Jun 22 2011

Not hearing a song makes it hard to criticize the lyrics.  I will try if you take it in the manner it's intended, positively.  Presentation: verse 3 doubles up with the second verse 4, I assume that's a typo.  The story telling part is quite clear and well done, you point of view is clear.  The rhyming is overall well done except the "hogs" in the second verse.  While I get your intent it seems a bit of a forced rhyme.  Hearing the song may make all the difference, as read, repeating the first line in each verse may be putting the emphasis on the opening part of each verse rather than the ending which I believe is the soul of the song.  In that vein, making the last line identical in every verse may take away from the significance as the repetition can become expected and sometimes ignored. 

 

Just my two cents.  I've been writing songs since I was 15 but that doesn't mean I know anything about it.


Ken Burch
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Joined: Feb 26 2005

Glenl wrote:

Not hearing a song makes it hard to criticize the lyrics.  I will try if you take it in the manner it's intended, positively.  Presentation: verse 3 doubles up with the second verse 4, I assume that's a typo.  The story telling part is quite clear and well done, you point of view is clear.  The rhyming is overall well done except the "hogs" in the second verse.  While I get your intent it seems a bit of a forced rhyme.  Hearing the song may make all the difference, as read, repeating the first line in each verse may be putting the emphasis on the opening part of each verse rather than the ending which I believe is the soul of the song.  In that vein, making the last line identical in every verse may take away from the significance as the repetition can become expected and sometimes ignored. 

 

Just my two cents.  I've been writing songs since I was 15 but that doesn't mean I know anything about it.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________ Our Demands Most Moderate are/ We Only Want The World! -James Connolly

Thanks for catching the typo.  I switched those two verses and didn't renumber properly.

 

Have now reworked the second verse as follows

(ignore the weird "internet explorer" stuff.  I'm cutting and pasting from a Word document and that may be causing that.)

 

Don’t let yourself be cast aside

Don’t let yourself be cast aside

You’re not a number, not a cog

You ‘re not just slop to feed the hog

It’s time to make the world we need.

 

Thanks for the comments on the first and last lines as well.


Glenl
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Joined: Jun 22 2011

Like that rhyming much better.  Small changes can make a difference.  I'd like to hear it when it's done.


Glenl
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Joined: Jun 22 2011

I will give you a chance to return the critique, if you're interested.

 

1) Its not easy being crazy

Though you'd think it would be

Dont understand what their all saying

And why they are all yelling at me

Their language is familiar, but

Their words they don't rhyme

I'm sure it's important what they are yelling in my mind

But it's not easy, being

Crazy

 

2) The other day God spoke to me

Dont remember what he said

Something about being for the living, and

Nothing at all about the dead

His language was familiar, but

His words didn't even rhyme

I know I should have listened but I didn't have much time

Cause it's not easy, being

Crazy

 

3)  it's not easy being crazy

Though you'd think it might be

No it's not easy being crazy

At least it's not easy for me.

 

4) Thought I understood the meaning of life

Now that would really be insane

Thought I understood the feeling of love, and

Why it carries so much pain

My language is familiar and my words I try to rhyme

People are fearful 

When I'm near them for a time

No, it's not easy being crazy

 

5)  it's not easy being crazy

Though you'd think it might be

No it's not easy being crazy

 

At least it's not easy for me

 

ETA:  that should heve been a private message, sorry about that it's your thread.

 

 


Ken Burch
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Joined: Feb 26 2005

I might have some suggestions...but would you prefer me to send them in a pm?


Ken Burch
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Joined: Feb 26 2005

And, for anyone else who might have any additional comments, here's a later, somewhat shortened and altered version of the lyrics I was working on...

 

(Again...igrnore the Microsoft programming garbage...Jeez...what did I ever do to Bill Gates?)

1)Don’t have to waste your life that way                     

Just treading water day to day                                   

Don’t just believe what you’ve been told

You’re not just here to be bought and sold

It’s time we make the world we need

 

2)Don’t let yourself be cast aside

Like you were driftwood on the tide

You’re not a number, not a cog

You ‘re not just slop to feed the hog

Come help us make the world we need.

 

3)Look through your window, walk out the door

Go where you’ve always gone before

Now you’ll see other folks with scars

Down in the gutter, looking at stars,

All set to make the world we need.

 

4)There is no party, there’s no line

Nobody leads or falls behind.

There’s only folks who hurt like you

We need your help, you need ours too.

So we can make the world we need.

 

5)We’ll start before the first cold light

We’ll find a gentle way to fight

We’ll join with everyone in pain,

All people left out in the rain.

To somehow make the world we need

 

6)Are you afraid? well, we were too

We were as lost and scared as you

No way to know how this all will end

But we will stand together, friend

Until we make the world we need.

 

7)And, when we’re finally truly free,                                                                                         

No one left in misery,

We’ll dance where we once had to bow

We’ll sing our songs so proudly now

When we have made the world we need.

 

(repeat last line several times)

 


Glenl
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Joined: Jun 22 2011

Public is fine Ken. I didn't want to hijack your thread with my stuff.  I should have sent you my stuff in a PM to avoid derailing your feedback.


Glenl
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Joined: Jun 22 2011

New version is great


Ken Burch
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Joined: Feb 26 2005

NO problem(this is in resposne to post #8).

I like the basic structure of the song...I think the one thing I'd do would be to find some way to illustrate the concept of "crazy" more.

You could, possibly, take the song a little bit out of metre at times...perhaps, having some of the lines "scan" less precisely as you go to the place where "craziness" lives in you.


Have a good Wednesday.


Glenl
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Joined: Jun 22 2011

Thanks

 


Glenl
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Joined: Jun 22 2011

Songwriting is a solitary pursuit by the looks of it.


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